Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine's Day :-(

It's Valentine's Day... I have been really trying to remember that I would rather be alone then with that lying, cheating, abusive, jerk but it's still hard to understand how he could just move on to the next girl so fast. He actually had the nerve to tell me he ended it only 2% so he could make this date with this chick. Seriously???!!! No, he didn't end it until after he made the date AND slept with her. Ugh!!!!!

Oh and have I mentioned that he told me that all his friends hate me......?

Ok lets focus in on that for a minute because it annoys me. I first want to admit some things. I am not perfect (no one is). I do not like everyone I meet. Like most people I gravitate more toward certain people. So I am not naive enough to think that everyone I meet likes me. That being said, when he tells me, "All my friends fucking hated you." I am filled with anger and resentment. You know they didn't hate me, they hated the person he told them I was. They hated the monster he made me out to be. I am not that person. Its funny how differently the victim handles the abuse outwardly verses the abuser. I hid every nasty thing he ever did or said to me. The only way anyone knew of any specific incident was if they witnessed it or I had to tell them for some reason. I was so worried about people seeing his true colors. I was embarrassed that I allowed myself to go through this. I wanted them to think that he was more good then bad. He on the other hand, told people I was crazy. I never let him go out. I never trusted him yet I always went out with my friends and expected him to leave me alone. I'm sure he told them I hated them too. Sure if that was the whole story then I'd hate me too. But its not and I need to except that they will never know that. They will forever congratulate him for losing his "baggage" and that's ok. I met some nice people through him and I wish they would have known the real me but at least I know who I am.

So anyways back to "Singles Awareness Day" it sucks but I am going to make the best of it. I plan to spend the evening with people that love me. Which is really what this day should be about. Show appreciation to the most important people in your life because they are the ones who deserve your time.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Why do you stay?

I think that this last week has taught me that even when things seem the darkest and you cant imagine hurting more, there are people who will raise up and be the inner strength you are lacking. I have been so blessed to have some of the most amazing friends and family. When I felt like my chest was caving in they all took turns listening to my sobs and reassuring me that I was better then what I had allowed myself to become. Isn't it amazing how we can let ourselves be defined by someone else. Standing back from the situation I see how horrible dysfunctional I had become. I actually thought that it was "ok" for someone to call me a: slut, whore, bitch, lazy, crazy, psycho, etc. Because he didn't really mean it.... It was the heat of the argument..... I was stuck with him so I better make it work. Well you know what? I was so wrong. You will be treated exactly how you allow yourself to be treated. I thought I was standing up for myself when I would argue back and tell him he was being a jerk. But was I? I just walked away mad and then tried to forget it the next time we interacted. I let him convince me that love wasn't passionate. The love I was looking for was only found in fairy tales. Well I know that not true. I felt it once long ago and I hope to God I will feel it again. Regardless, his betrayal was the best thing for me. Even after I gave back the ring, I stayed. Even after I was pushed, I stayed. Even after I was slammed in the door, I stayed. I stayed when I caught him texting other girls, talking to girls on a dating site, and even when he broke down the bedroom door and broke my phone. Why? Because I was scared. Scared  of being alone, scared of giving up on the man I thought he could be. No one would stay with someone who was awful all the time. I saw in him brief moments of compassion, love, and kindness. I knew that I could laugh with him, cuddle with him, and belong to him. I knew that he had the capacity for everything I wanted for myself. I just couldn't get him to show it enough. So I waited.....

I think that my anger forced me to slowly push him away over the course of our last year. I wont be so naive  as to think that I did no wrong in the relationship. I became the crazy person he saw me as. I started to distrust him as much as he distrusted me. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I was RIGHT. He was lying to me for so long that I don't even know what was real in our relationship. He kept me coming back until he had secured the "next" one. Then he was done. And I was crushed. Crushed by the loss of a man I never had and he never was. That is the lessen my mind is slowly trying to teach my heart.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Relationship Detox

This has been a very hard week. I think that maybe my mother is right and the best thing for me to do is to write it all down. My relationship is over.... I'm not even real sure what else to say about it... Its over and I'm lost. Lost because I thought it would continue on indefinitely. I didn't even feel this way because I was so deeply in love. In fact, I'm not sure I have wanted the relationship for a long time. But none the less, when it was officially ripped away I feel empty, used, betrayed. Betrayed because I stayed when I shouldn't have.

I have loved only two men in my life. Granted I know I'm only 29 but still I think it is probably unusual for most women my age. The weird thing is that they couldn't be farther from each other in every imaginable way. My first love was the first guy I ever really chased. And he definitely made me chase him. But when I caught him we were like 2 sides of the same coin. I truly loved him from the moment we met. It was 15 year old infatuation to start but it grew into a deep an meaningful love. I remember thinking to myself at times in our relationship that I was almost amazed that I could love him any more then I already did and yet I did. We fought like every relationship does, but with him it was never filled with insults and there were boundaries we never crossed no matter how upset we were. He always treated me with respect and I hope he loved me as much as I loved him. But like a lot of young relationships, we grew apart. Apart in our goals, ambitions, and love. I wanted things out of my life and I was ready to start getting them but unfortunately he was in no hurry. So I left. I moved 2 hours away and began working toward my MBA. Our relationship drifted farther apart until finally Dec 30th 2008, after more then 8 years together, we called it quits.

Now lets fast forward to Memorial day weekend 2011. This is when I met my 2nd love. He was so different from the first. In good ways and also a lot of bad ways but I couldn't help being drawn in by him. Our friendship was immediate and our involvement progressed fast over the next few months and we officially started dating in September of that year. He was exactly what I wanted as far as I thought. I loved that he was protective of me. He always wanted me around, he was attracted to me and I was very attracted to him. He made me feel like I was wanted and it had been so long since I had felt like that (at least by someone I wanted to be wanted by). See, towards the end of my last relationship I hadn't felt wanted. So our mutual infatuation gave me comfort and I overlooked his character flaws and reveled in the excitement of the new relationship. Sure he had a rocky past but lots of people do. I thought "how can people grow and better themselves if no one gives them a chance to try?" He had a string of failed relationships, two children (from two different women) and a record of domestic disturbances. But of course the other girls were "crazy" and "manipulative," all the things that I knew I wasn't. They had ruined him and I was going to show him that a relationship can be healthy. It can be built on mutual respect and love. And I tried. I tried so hard. I'm sure I made mistakes. No one is perfect. Although his mistakes seemed more extreme to me as time marched on. He would often bring up my past, my flaws, my mistakes, etc. and when I tried to stand op for myself the argument would intensify. Then the threats, insults, and objects would fly. I have been thrown on the bed, had my tv smashed, my dogs lives threatened, cell phone smashed. and been slammed into more doors then I care to count. Of course he was always "sorry" after it happened but usually he told me it was my fault for making him mad. He finally ended things AFTER he slept with someone else. Classy, I know. He did me a favor though. Until he did that I was still holding to the idea that he could be the man I saw in him. Now I know that that man never existed. I was just seeing a boy trying to play the man I wanted but who had no idea how to maintain it.

So as you can see, here is my confusion. How could two men be so different but steal my heart so completely? How could I go from someone so wonderful to someone so destructive?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

One foot in Illinois the other in California

Wow I am slacking! My last post was on the 7th? Opps! What’s new with me? Well let me tell you...

Since last time I have seen Despicable me twice, once with Angela on our usual Tuesday night movie and once this last weekend with my cousins and Maddy. This brings me to the point that Maddy is here in Illinois for two weeks. By now she is only here for one more week but she got here on the 13th. Maddy is my 12 year old niece from California (the soon to be teenager I will be moving in with – yikes!). She spent the first week with my dad (Grandpa Teddy) and she will spend week 2 with my mom (Grandma Di). I wish my parents luck…lol Maddy is a little out of control but what 12 year old isn’t?

I have been running around like a crazy person getting ready for my move to Cali. My mother convinced me not to rent the trailer from U-Haul for the drive. She is worried that it will do damage to my car. This change in plans creates a lot of new variable. I will now not be bringing my bed, which suck by the way because my bed is freaking amazing! I am trying not to dwell on this though. Not taking the trailer also means that I have money to ship some things ahead of time. Surprisingly, it costs less to ship a big heavy box then a couple medium size/weight boxes. I sent 3 boxes on Monday (30, 35, 38lbs) and it cost $112 but today I shipped 2 large boxes (67 & 80lbs) for $133. Much more economical to ship that way!

I figure that if I can ship enough of my crap then I can get my TV console in my car. In case you don’t already know I adore my TV console. That and my bed are my two favorite pieces of furniture! So if I can’t bring one I want to try and bring the other. The TV console will fit in my car no problem. The issue comes with putting a bunch more then that in there. This is why I had to boot Ashley from the road trip portion of the trip. I will not be making the drive solo. Well… not really solo since I will have the dogs with me but it’s not like they can have a conversation with me for the 26 hour drive. Although being stuck in the car with the dogs for that long could drive me crazy enough that I start to have conversations with them. Anyways, the point is that I am going to ship as much as I can [afford] so that I have a shot at taking it with me.
I have been very productive so far this week. I am really far on packing, shipped 5 boxes so far, and change my mailing address on a lot of stuff. I also have cancelled my cell phone. So as of Aug 15th I will no longer have my 815 US Cellular number. I will have a 562 AT&T number complete with awesome new iPhone 4 to sweeten the deal! The phone is on back order so I will be waiting for a few weeks. This is actually a good thing though because the less time I have double service the better (cheaper).

You know that expression about having one foot in and one foot out? I feel like that explains my very existence these days. I am still here in Illinois but I am mentally in California. All I can think about is the move and watching the calendar willing it to flip to Aug 28th (when I hit the road). Only 38 days to go.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dad says "NO!"......but....."NO!"

So I broke the news to my Dad about the move to California this last Saturday. I waited until he was leaving my uncles so that I wouldn’t have to deal with his reaction all afternoon. I knew he would not be happy but I also didn’t quite know how he was going to take the news. See there are some things about my Dad you should know. He is…..unique! That is really the best word for him. He is a little quirky, extremely opinionated, and really funny. People tend to like him…the problem is the my dad doesn’t like them. Ok he has friends and family and stuff but other then that he thinks that all people are idiots or assholes and are out to shaft you one way or another. This is not an exaggeration. I know I am his daughter but sometimes I am shocked he likes me. Lol

FYI: I totally love my dad and think he is awesome but I know how he is so telling him that his “baby” is moving 2,000 miles away was not on the top of my “thing I really want to do” list. But with the move only 8 weeks away it was time to bite the bullet so I caught him in the driveway and just blurted out “Dad I am moving to California with Sara,” and paused for reaction. He literally just turned to me and said “No” then pretty much walked away, which I guess in hindsight is better then him crying, yelling, or having any number of other awkward reactions to the news. I tried to tell him that me being 26 kind of hinders his ability to tell me no but he just laughed said “No” again and continued to walk toward his car. Poor Becky….I can only imagine that drive home with him. Becky is my step-mom and I love her to death. Anyone who can help me keep my dad in line is a saint in my eyes :)
To tell you the truth I really haven’t talked to my Dad since Saturday. He called me briefly on Sunday to ask if I had fun with my cousins and how the hot tub at my uncles was but other then that nothing. I guess I will just let it sink in a little. On related news: Plans for the move are still coming along. I still have to make an appointment to have the hitch installed. Sara is looking at flights and I am trying to pack and pitch stuff whenever possible.

On the Dawn Front: I have been trying to focus on the book I am writing but have been so torn on a few plot twists lately. But I found this online conference that allows you to post content for critique. It kicks off in August so I have 1 month to get a good chuck of it done. I am really going to try to focus on it. I mean planning is great but there comes a time when I have to just sit down and type it out. I can always change things later but having 10-20 pages of notes and scenes isn’t helping me.

I went to see The Last Airbender last night with Angela and Ann. It was good but I was a little annoyed by all the interpretive dance going on. When you see it you will know what I mean. OH! and I was so excited to find Linger on the shelves and Borders last night! It is not scheduled to release until 7/20 but Borders had it early. So I bought it and then sat at Borders and read the first 50 pages before picking Ann up for the movie. I planned to go home and cancel my preorder for Linger from Banes and Noble but by the time I got home I had an email saying it shipped. The book is not supposed to release for two weeks and now I am going to have two copies. Maybe I will have to give one away on the other blog. Or I guess I could return it….decisions decisions.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Enter bee...Queue wave of embarrassment and shame!

I have been stressing the last few days over this move to California. Probably not in the way you think though. I am really anxious to get there so that is not the issue. The problem is that I was planning on staying with Steve until Oct 1st (my last day of work). I was going to leave Kasey and Bailey with my mom since Steve can’t have dogs in his apartment, but now it seems like it might not be possible to leave both my dogs with my mom. So it seems like I will be heading out even earlier. I think that I will be California bound in 8 weeks. Good news and bad new. Good news is that I will be in Cali that much sooner. Bad news is that I will be losing an entire month of pay that I was counting on to get me through the first few weeks I am there, until I can find a job.

In other news, I sold my treadmill last night. I only posted it on the employee trading post yesterday morning but I had two calls about it before lunch. The first couple that came took it home right there and then and I pocketed $400 bucks! Which is a significant loss for me but I have had it for three years and it was just taking up space at this point. Plus can you imagine moving that thing? It is so freaking heavy! Good riddens! I decided to celebrate with a smoothie from Smoothie King. It was amazing!

After the treadmill was out of the way I decided to pack up a few things to take to my mothers this weekend. I might as well start loading up my crap and taking as much just as I can to her house before the big move at the end of August. So not the living room looks a little bare. Only a 2/3 of my sectional is still there and its now even all attached. I will be heading home at lunch to put some more stuff in the car that way I can just grab to dogs and go when I get off work. Speaking of dogs….I went trough my closet and through a bunch of stuff away and came across this fishing hat that I got Bailey when she was a puppy. I put it on her last night and we were able to snap a picture before she tore it off. She does not look happy. Lol

Oh and no good deed goes unpunished. I loaded up my cloths basket with crap to throw away while I was cleaning out my closet and when I went to toss it in the dumpster I apparently pissed off a bunch of bees. I was attacked! I ran like hell but I was not fast enough. One of the little bastards stung me on the stomach. Even though I was not thrilled about being stung I can appreciate the humor in my situation and in the spectacle I made of myself. I saw the bees, dropped my empty basket and starting booking it across the parking lot. Keep in mind I am yelling and spinning and zig zaging the entire time in an attempt to flee. Then I stop and think I am away only to yelp in pain as the last straggler stings me. Then I swear, and repeat the strange running debacle again. When I finally stop I realize that I left my basket but there is no way I am going back for it. So I swear again and head back toward my apartment. That is when I realize the old man watching me from his balcony. Queue wave of embarrassment and shame! I just looked up at him and gestured toward my path of destruction and said “Bees.” He just nodded and grinned.

After that I was afraid to go back to the dumpster so I didn’t take out the rest of the crap and I think its safe to say that my basket is gone. Oh well I guess. FYI I have not been stung by a bee since I was 4. I was at New Horizons Preschool and viciously attacked while I peacefully rested during nap time. That right it was completely unprovoked. So I guess 22 years was all the reprieve the bee community felt I needed after their heinous crimes against me. So here I am sporting a new battle scare. This is why I hate anything with more then 4 legs!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Midnight Eclipse Madness

Today is the day I have been waiting for since….November 17th 2009 (when I finished the Cast and Crew screening of New Moon). Eclipse midnight showing tonight!!! I can hardly contain my excitement! Anyways, I will be picking Angela up at 6:15 and meeting Katie and Audra at the theater. We will be seeing all three movies tonight. Twilight starts at 7pm followed by New Moon and then at 11:59 ECLIPSE!

I made sure that I finished The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner last night so that I am completely “in the know” for the movie tonight. BTW it was kind of sad. Not that I didn’t know what would become of Bree because anyone who has read Eclipse knows what happens. It was just kind of sad to see what it was like for her. How she was lied to and what she lost. There was one interesting bit of info. Let’s just say that there may have been more then 20 vampires who were sent to the clearing that day.

So this weekend was slightly productive. I finally got around to picking up my closet. It was in such horrible need of attention that I finally broke down on Sunday and picked up. I really need to wealthy enough to hire a maid service because cleaning has never been my strong suit. Just ask my mother….I am having very vivid flashbacks to my mothers furious face when I was in middle school and my idea of cleaning my room was stuffing everything under my bed. Sorry mom :)

I also spent a decent amount of time by the pool. That summer tan is coming along nicely. It turns out that I have the whole weekend off plus Monday so I will be headed back to Rockford. I still owe my dad a Father’s Day and my Uncle Steve is on town from Japan so the family is headed there on Saturday. I am so excited! I haven’t seen Steve or Jamie (cousin) since I left Japan but I have’t seen Dolly (aunt) or Jenny (cousin) since they moved to Japan (like 3 years ago). I think my Uncle Dick and Aunt Gerlyn will be there too, maybe even with their families. It should be a great day. Then Sunday is the fourth so I don’t know what I plan to do that day. Maybe head up to Ron’s to see mi madre or see what Ashley is has planned. On top of it all I get to sleep in three straight days!!! As I may have mentioned I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. I love it and hate when I don’t get enough of it. Lol