Why do you stay?

I think that this last week has taught me that even when things seem the darkest and you cant imagine hurting more, there are people who will raise up and be the inner strength you are lacking. I have been so blessed to have some of the most amazing friends and family. When I felt like my chest was caving in they all took turns listening to my sobs and reassuring me that I was better then what I had allowed myself to become. Isn't it amazing how we can let ourselves be defined by someone else. Standing back from the situation I see how horrible dysfunctional I had become. I actually thought that it was "ok" for someone to call me a: slut, whore, bitch, lazy, crazy, psycho, etc. Because he didn't really mean it.... It was the heat of the argument..... I was stuck with him so I better make it work. Well you know what? I was so wrong. You will be treated exactly how you allow yourself to be treated. I thought I was standing up for myself when I would argue back and tell him he was being a jerk. But was I? I just walked away mad and then tried to forget it the next time we interacted. I let him convince me that love wasn't passionate. The love I was looking for was only found in fairy tales. Well I know that not true. I felt it once long ago and I hope to God I will feel it again. Regardless, his betrayal was the best thing for me. Even after I gave back the ring, I stayed. Even after I was pushed, I stayed. Even after I was slammed in the door, I stayed. I stayed when I caught him texting other girls, talking to girls on a dating site, and even when he broke down the bedroom door and broke my phone. Why? Because I was scared. Scared  of being alone, scared of giving up on the man I thought he could be. No one would stay with someone who was awful all the time. I saw in him brief moments of compassion, love, and kindness. I knew that I could laugh with him, cuddle with him, and belong to him. I knew that he had the capacity for everything I wanted for myself. I just couldn't get him to show it enough. So I waited.....

I think that my anger forced me to slowly push him away over the course of our last year. I wont be so naive  as to think that I did no wrong in the relationship. I became the crazy person he saw me as. I started to distrust him as much as he distrusted me. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I was RIGHT. He was lying to me for so long that I don't even know what was real in our relationship. He kept me coming back until he had secured the "next" one. Then he was done. And I was crushed. Crushed by the loss of a man I never had and he never was. That is the lessen my mind is slowly trying to teach my heart.