Relationship Detox

This has been a very hard week. I think that maybe my mother is right and the best thing for me to do is to write it all down. My relationship is over.... I'm not even real sure what else to say about it... Its over and I'm lost. Lost because I thought it would continue on indefinitely. I didn't even feel this way because I was so deeply in love. In fact, I'm not sure I have wanted the relationship for a long time. But none the less, when it was officially ripped away I feel empty, used, betrayed. Betrayed because I stayed when I shouldn't have.

I have loved only two men in my life. Granted I know I'm only 29 but still I think it is probably unusual for most women my age. The weird thing is that they couldn't be farther from each other in every imaginable way. My first love was the first guy I ever really chased. And he definitely made me chase him. But when I caught him we were like 2 sides of the same coin. I truly loved him from the moment we met. It was 15 year old infatuation to start but it grew into a deep an meaningful love. I remember thinking to myself at times in our relationship that I was almost amazed that I could love him any more then I already did and yet I did. We fought like every relationship does, but with him it was never filled with insults and there were boundaries we never crossed no matter how upset we were. He always treated me with respect and I hope he loved me as much as I loved him. But like a lot of young relationships, we grew apart. Apart in our goals, ambitions, and love. I wanted things out of my life and I was ready to start getting them but unfortunately he was in no hurry. So I left. I moved 2 hours away and began working toward my MBA. Our relationship drifted farther apart until finally Dec 30th 2008, after more then 8 years together, we called it quits.

Now lets fast forward to Memorial day weekend 2011. This is when I met my 2nd love. He was so different from the first. In good ways and also a lot of bad ways but I couldn't help being drawn in by him. Our friendship was immediate and our involvement progressed fast over the next few months and we officially started dating in September of that year. He was exactly what I wanted as far as I thought. I loved that he was protective of me. He always wanted me around, he was attracted to me and I was very attracted to him. He made me feel like I was wanted and it had been so long since I had felt like that (at least by someone I wanted to be wanted by). See, towards the end of my last relationship I hadn't felt wanted. So our mutual infatuation gave me comfort and I overlooked his character flaws and reveled in the excitement of the new relationship. Sure he had a rocky past but lots of people do. I thought "how can people grow and better themselves if no one gives them a chance to try?" He had a string of failed relationships, two children (from two different women) and a record of domestic disturbances. But of course the other girls were "crazy" and "manipulative," all the things that I knew I wasn't. They had ruined him and I was going to show him that a relationship can be healthy. It can be built on mutual respect and love. And I tried. I tried so hard. I'm sure I made mistakes. No one is perfect. Although his mistakes seemed more extreme to me as time marched on. He would often bring up my past, my flaws, my mistakes, etc. and when I tried to stand op for myself the argument would intensify. Then the threats, insults, and objects would fly. I have been thrown on the bed, had my tv smashed, my dogs lives threatened, cell phone smashed. and been slammed into more doors then I care to count. Of course he was always "sorry" after it happened but usually he told me it was my fault for making him mad. He finally ended things AFTER he slept with someone else. Classy, I know. He did me a favor though. Until he did that I was still holding to the idea that he could be the man I saw in him. Now I know that that man never existed. I was just seeing a boy trying to play the man I wanted but who had no idea how to maintain it.

So as you can see, here is my confusion. How could two men be so different but steal my heart so completely? How could I go from someone so wonderful to someone so destructive?