It's Valentine's Day... I have been really trying to remember that I would rather be alone then with that lying, cheating, abusive, jerk but it's still hard to understand how he could just move on to the next girl so fast. He actually had the nerve to tell me he ended it only 2% so he could make this date with this chick. Seriously???!!! No, he didn't end it until after he made the date AND slept with her. Ugh!!!!!
Oh and have I mentioned that he told me that all his friends hate me......?
Ok lets focus in on that for a minute because it annoys me. I first want to admit some things. I am not perfect (no one is). I do not like everyone I meet. Like most people I gravitate more toward certain people. So I am not naive enough to think that everyone I meet likes me. That being said, when he tells me, "All my friends fucking hated you." I am filled with anger and resentment. You know they didn't hate me, they hated the person he told them I was. They hated the monster he made me out to be. I am not that person. Its funny how differently the victim handles the abuse outwardly verses the abuser. I hid every nasty thing he ever did or said to me. The only way anyone knew of any specific incident was if they witnessed it or I had to tell them for some reason. I was so worried about people seeing his true colors. I was embarrassed that I allowed myself to go through this. I wanted them to think that he was more good then bad. He on the other hand, told people I was crazy. I never let him go out. I never trusted him yet I always went out with my friends and expected him to leave me alone. I'm sure he told them I hated them too. Sure if that was the whole story then I'd hate me too. But its not and I need to except that they will never know that. They will forever congratulate him for losing his "baggage" and that's ok. I met some nice people through him and I wish they would have known the real me but at least I know who I am.
So anyways back to "Singles Awareness Day" it sucks but I am going to make the best of it. I plan to spend the evening with people that love me. Which is really what this day should be about. Show appreciation to the most important people in your life because they are the ones who deserve your time.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Why do you stay?
I think that this last week has taught me that even when things seem the darkest and you cant imagine hurting more, there are people who will raise up and be the inner strength you are lacking. I have been so blessed to have some of the most amazing friends and family. When I felt like my chest was caving in they all took turns listening to my sobs and reassuring me that I was better then what I had allowed myself to become. Isn't it amazing how we can let ourselves be defined by someone else. Standing back from the situation I see how horrible dysfunctional I had become. I actually thought that it was "ok" for someone to call me a: slut, whore, bitch, lazy, crazy, psycho, etc. Because he didn't really mean it.... It was the heat of the argument..... I was stuck with him so I better make it work. Well you know what? I was so wrong. You will be treated exactly how you allow yourself to be treated. I thought I was standing up for myself when I would argue back and tell him he was being a jerk. But was I? I just walked away mad and then tried to forget it the next time we interacted. I let him convince me that love wasn't passionate. The love I was looking for was only found in fairy tales. Well I know that not true. I felt it once long ago and I hope to God I will feel it again. Regardless, his betrayal was the best thing for me. Even after I gave back the ring, I stayed. Even after I was pushed, I stayed. Even after I was slammed in the door, I stayed. I stayed when I caught him texting other girls, talking to girls on a dating site, and even when he broke down the bedroom door and broke my phone. Why? Because I was scared. Scared of being alone, scared of giving up on the man I thought he could be. No one would stay with someone who was awful all the time. I saw in him brief moments of compassion, love, and kindness. I knew that I could laugh with him, cuddle with him, and belong to him. I knew that he had the capacity for everything I wanted for myself. I just couldn't get him to show it enough. So I waited.....
I think that my anger forced me to slowly push him away over the course of our last year. I wont be so naive as to think that I did no wrong in the relationship. I became the crazy person he saw me as. I started to distrust him as much as he distrusted me. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I was RIGHT. He was lying to me for so long that I don't even know what was real in our relationship. He kept me coming back until he had secured the "next" one. Then he was done. And I was crushed. Crushed by the loss of a man I never had and he never was. That is the lessen my mind is slowly trying to teach my heart.
I think that my anger forced me to slowly push him away over the course of our last year. I wont be so naive as to think that I did no wrong in the relationship. I became the crazy person he saw me as. I started to distrust him as much as he distrusted me. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I was RIGHT. He was lying to me for so long that I don't even know what was real in our relationship. He kept me coming back until he had secured the "next" one. Then he was done. And I was crushed. Crushed by the loss of a man I never had and he never was. That is the lessen my mind is slowly trying to teach my heart.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Relationship Detox
This has been a very hard week. I think that maybe my mother is right
and the best thing for me to do is to write it all down. My relationship is over.... I'm not even real sure what else to say about it... Its over and I'm lost. Lost because I thought it would continue on indefinitely. I didn't even feel this way because I was so deeply in love. In fact, I'm not sure I have wanted the relationship for a long time. But none the less, when it was officially ripped away I feel empty, used, betrayed. Betrayed because I stayed when I shouldn't have.
I have loved only two men in my life. Granted I know I'm only 29 but still I think it is probably unusual for most women my age. The weird thing is that they couldn't be farther from each other in every imaginable way. My first love was the first guy I ever really chased. And he definitely made me chase him. But when I caught him we were like 2 sides of the same coin. I truly loved him from the moment we met. It was 15 year old infatuation to start but it grew into a deep an meaningful love. I remember thinking to myself at times in our relationship that I was almost amazed that I could love him any more then I already did and yet I did. We fought like every relationship does, but with him it was never filled with insults and there were boundaries we never crossed no matter how upset we were. He always treated me with respect and I hope he loved me as much as I loved him. But like a lot of young relationships, we grew apart. Apart in our goals, ambitions, and love. I wanted things out of my life and I was ready to start getting them but unfortunately he was in no hurry. So I left. I moved 2 hours away and began working toward my MBA. Our relationship drifted farther apart until finally Dec 30th 2008, after more then 8 years together, we called it quits.
Now lets fast forward to Memorial day weekend 2011. This is when I met my 2nd love. He was so different from the first. In good ways and also a lot of bad ways but I couldn't help being drawn in by him. Our friendship was immediate and our involvement progressed fast over the next few months and we officially started dating in September of that year. He was exactly what I wanted as far as I thought. I loved that he was protective of me. He always wanted me around, he was attracted to me and I was very attracted to him. He made me feel like I was wanted and it had been so long since I had felt like that (at least by someone I wanted to be wanted by). See, towards the end of my last relationship I hadn't felt wanted. So our mutual infatuation gave me comfort and I overlooked his character flaws and reveled in the excitement of the new relationship. Sure he had a rocky past but lots of people do. I thought "how can people grow and better themselves if no one gives them a chance to try?" He had a string of failed relationships, two children (from two different women) and a record of domestic disturbances. But of course the other girls were "crazy" and "manipulative," all the things that I knew I wasn't. They had ruined him and I was going to show him that a relationship can be healthy. It can be built on mutual respect and love. And I tried. I tried so hard. I'm sure I made mistakes. No one is perfect. Although his mistakes seemed more extreme to me as time marched on. He would often bring up my past, my flaws, my mistakes, etc. and when I tried to stand op for myself the argument would intensify. Then the threats, insults, and objects would fly. I have been thrown on the bed, had my tv smashed, my dogs lives threatened, cell phone smashed. and been slammed into more doors then I care to count. Of course he was always "sorry" after it happened but usually he told me it was my fault for making him mad. He finally ended things AFTER he slept with someone else. Classy, I know. He did me a favor though. Until he did that I was still holding to the idea that he could be the man I saw in him. Now I know that that man never existed. I was just seeing a boy trying to play the man I wanted but who had no idea how to maintain it.
So as you can see, here is my confusion. How could two men be so different but steal my heart so completely? How could I go from someone so wonderful to someone so destructive?
I have loved only two men in my life. Granted I know I'm only 29 but still I think it is probably unusual for most women my age. The weird thing is that they couldn't be farther from each other in every imaginable way. My first love was the first guy I ever really chased. And he definitely made me chase him. But when I caught him we were like 2 sides of the same coin. I truly loved him from the moment we met. It was 15 year old infatuation to start but it grew into a deep an meaningful love. I remember thinking to myself at times in our relationship that I was almost amazed that I could love him any more then I already did and yet I did. We fought like every relationship does, but with him it was never filled with insults and there were boundaries we never crossed no matter how upset we were. He always treated me with respect and I hope he loved me as much as I loved him. But like a lot of young relationships, we grew apart. Apart in our goals, ambitions, and love. I wanted things out of my life and I was ready to start getting them but unfortunately he was in no hurry. So I left. I moved 2 hours away and began working toward my MBA. Our relationship drifted farther apart until finally Dec 30th 2008, after more then 8 years together, we called it quits.
Now lets fast forward to Memorial day weekend 2011. This is when I met my 2nd love. He was so different from the first. In good ways and also a lot of bad ways but I couldn't help being drawn in by him. Our friendship was immediate and our involvement progressed fast over the next few months and we officially started dating in September of that year. He was exactly what I wanted as far as I thought. I loved that he was protective of me. He always wanted me around, he was attracted to me and I was very attracted to him. He made me feel like I was wanted and it had been so long since I had felt like that (at least by someone I wanted to be wanted by). See, towards the end of my last relationship I hadn't felt wanted. So our mutual infatuation gave me comfort and I overlooked his character flaws and reveled in the excitement of the new relationship. Sure he had a rocky past but lots of people do. I thought "how can people grow and better themselves if no one gives them a chance to try?" He had a string of failed relationships, two children (from two different women) and a record of domestic disturbances. But of course the other girls were "crazy" and "manipulative," all the things that I knew I wasn't. They had ruined him and I was going to show him that a relationship can be healthy. It can be built on mutual respect and love. And I tried. I tried so hard. I'm sure I made mistakes. No one is perfect. Although his mistakes seemed more extreme to me as time marched on. He would often bring up my past, my flaws, my mistakes, etc. and when I tried to stand op for myself the argument would intensify. Then the threats, insults, and objects would fly. I have been thrown on the bed, had my tv smashed, my dogs lives threatened, cell phone smashed. and been slammed into more doors then I care to count. Of course he was always "sorry" after it happened but usually he told me it was my fault for making him mad. He finally ended things AFTER he slept with someone else. Classy, I know. He did me a favor though. Until he did that I was still holding to the idea that he could be the man I saw in him. Now I know that that man never existed. I was just seeing a boy trying to play the man I wanted but who had no idea how to maintain it.
So as you can see, here is my confusion. How could two men be so different but steal my heart so completely? How could I go from someone so wonderful to someone so destructive?
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